Are You Getting Another Roommate?

Ronald Hayden

So married at 20 widowed at 30. She died two weeks before my 30th birthday. She was 32.

I'm in law school, which means I'm a lunatic. I'm doing badly, not being a very argumentative person. Sophie's sick, sophie's sick, sophie's sick, and we don't know what's wrong with her. My parents come and visit. So I put her on the plane. I don't know what's wrong with her, I have no idea.

I put her on the plane to Baltimore. We have no idea what she has. Her doctor in San Diego knew but didn't say. Her parents knew. They called the doctor and he told them.

She is 28 years old at this point! Not a minor!

They take her from the airport to the hospital. That evening her father calls and says "Do you want me to tell you what she has or do you want to wait and talk to her?" Gee I don't know I love suspense what do you think?

She was sick for about four years. She got sick in February and was hospitalized on February 15th in Baltimore (how symbolic...valentines day, almost). That summer I came to Boston. I had friends here and no place else to go. She came up here the following January and was hospitalized again here for February. Another swell valentine's day.

When I was in school I got NO support. From anyone. Only two friends and my sister. But I was totally alone and abandoned. It was pretty icky.

That's why I went to Boston. To my friend who actually cared about me. When I got here I knew these people were my friends because I was talking to one person and she was the first person to say "Oh it must be really hard for you". No one had ever said that before.

I think the reason I got no support at school was that they were/are a bunch of conservative law jerks. I got a lot of 'she is surely going to die imminently and if you consider yourself married why aren't you there with her -- I would be there if it were my husband'. Arg! Hey, maybe you would and maybe you wouldn't. I bet you would have help with your kids and your house. I don't.

Sophie's parents would not pay her half of the rent. I had two cars, what the hell am I going to do with them?

My parents said, "Are you going to get another roommate?"

They wanted me to stay in law school because that was the right thing for them, not for me. I don't think they would have given the same advice to a brother-in-law. They would have helped pack up the apartment, which they didn't.

If I were male Sophie's social worker would have picked up the phone and called me, I could have gotten help flying out because of programs at the hospital to help with that.

I think I had a nervous breakdown. I didn't eat for a year. My mother would say "Gee, you look so sad all the time".

They wanted me to leave Sophie because she was sick, she was defective. "We know you love her, but..."

If you don't have support, you're lost. That's it for you pal. You need it. You're just sort of out there in outer space. You're alone.

I work in an academic institution, it's cushy, we get four weeks vacation. I don't know what people would do who only got one week vacation. What do you do if you don't have that time? What do you do if you have a mean boss who says "you're fired"?

If work didn't treat us like human beings, I can't imagine what people would do. When she died I was on vacation anyway and a week turned into a month, so I just called and told them what was going on and they said okay.

I guess I do feel closer to people here at work because they were there. If I hadn't told anyone here I don't think I could have managed. Gee, gone for a month because my 'roommate' died. I don't think so.

When I got back and couldn't really do my job for about a year either they didn't notice or I did enough that it didn't matter or they made up for it. They didn't say anything. So they were good about that.

The only bad thing that happened (in a job related way) was that I didn't get the same raise as two of my colleagues because "I was out too much this year". That's what my director said. I don't take it as a homophobic remark; she would have said it if it was a husband.

When Sophie came out of remission my parents were much better about it. My mother sent her a gift. They never visited her in the hospital.

Her social worker takes me around the hospital and a small tour of the facilities that are available. I listen politely, smile and nod, so considerate of her, thank you very much. But inside I am screaming. I want to tell her that all this is too late. She should have done this four years ago when it started. She lost me then and can't make up for bad behavior now.

By the time she came out of remission we had all come a long way. Our relationship was better and her parents figured out that they liked me and it didn't matter that I wasn't a boy. So I lived at their house for a month when it turned out she was going to die and did. That was fine. I was very much part of the family and was fully part of everything, even the let's turn everything off decision.

I could have made different decisions that would not have caused a lot of hurt on all sides. But I was very much alone and I did the best that I could under the circumstances, but they were not by far ideal happy wappy perfect supportive spouse actions. To do that you need LOTS of outside help. I will probably feel guilty about not being June Cleaver forever, but I cling to the fact that by the time she died we were well on the way to having much resolved and better relationship and we would be together forever.

Breaking up is you hurt me, I hate you, and you take all your stuff away and I can call you at anytime and remind you. Dead is, they're gone, you don't want them to be, and all their shit is your shit, and you can't call them up, they're gone.

There are no live flowers around in the oncology center. I used to send her cards with flowers on them to brighten up the room. So I take the wrapping paper from my gifts, mostly tissue paper and make flowers for her. I string them along the bars on the bed. All who come in comment on how nice they are. She can't see them, or join in with the unwrapping, but perhaps she knows they are there.