Walking the Line

Ronald Hayden

In my case, it was the Christian of our group. Oh, I'm sure there are other Christians in the group, but he was definitely the Christian. The person who once sent out email asking anyone opposed to abortion to please contact him.

That kind of guy.

All such factors aside, he was a great guy. A good sense of humor, always helpful, etc. So he was the only one I was really worried about when I came out. I didn't want to lose his respect. What would he think? Would he say something?

He didn't.

Nothing seemed to change when I came out. Maybe I was wrong. I wondered about it, off and on.

The coming out process at work was rather boring for me, since I seemed to get complete acceptance from the group. I've had friends who had to suffer through gay jokes and slurs before they came out; I know people who, once they were out, were anonymously threatened by fellow employees, received strange phone messages, had to deal with discriminatory behavior. A guy once told me about how his employer fired him over his sexuality, then fired his sister because she was his sister.

But none of it for me. I was stuck with simple societal discrimination, like not being able to file a joint tax return. Not the same.

A year passed. I became more bold about who I was, about making the occasional reference here and there so that everyone knew about my sexuality and some of my political activities. I still wondered -- was the Christian guy part of a new "live and let live" religious generation, or just good at keeping his mouth shut?

Then email arrived from him one day. It started "I'd rather not use email to respond to this..."

Finally, a reaction.

"I'm writing to request that issues of sexual orientation be omitted from your status report," he said. "I prefer not to read about gay/lesbian issues, and try not to mention my own heterosexuality too often either."

"I know that you probably disagree with me on many points, and that you can state a very compelling case which would win public opinion to your side. I know that my opinions are a minority, and are often construed as 'hate', 'bigotry', 'discrimination', and other words with similarly hateful connotations. I think you also know what kind of person I am, and that I am not hateful or bigoted."

True enough. I had no doubt that he personally was not a hateful person, and didn't understand the effects of his philosophy. I composed a response in email.

"Thanks for bringing this up," I said. "It's always better to discuss these things than to let them continue to bother you."

I told him that I had always enjoyed working with him. I explained the nature of the (work-related) sexuality items in my status report, and why I had included them. My meeting with the Legal department to discuss domestic partners, for instance, was something I wanted my manager to know about, so it would be clear that I didn't think my job stopped at my desk, that I wanted to help make the company the best possible place to work.

"However," I said, "even if those items weren't work-related, I would consider it valid to include items that seem to be related to sexuality."

"You have a family," I said.

"You are the most family-oriented person I know. You wear a wedding ring, you have a picture of your wife on your desk, you occasionally mention her in your status, she often visits, we've all heard about and seen your baby."

"In other words, although it may not seem like it to you, you make your heterosexuality apparent in many ways in the workplace. Which is entirely appropriate."

As I wrote the message, I received email announcing the birth of an employee's baby. Too perfect. "That person has a family," I said, "and wishes everyone to know about it."

"I have a family."

"I only wish to do the same as anyone else who has a family. I don't wish to hide the fact, I don't wish to pretend my family doesn't exist, and I don't wish to be ashamed of my family. This is who I am."

"I recognize that you may be uncomfortable with my sexual orientation, but my sexual orientation won't go away. And it won't go away in the workplace either, because who you are in life is who you are at work. I, like anyone at work with a family, may mention my significant other from time to time in talking about what I did over the weekend, may have a funny story to tell that happens to involve who I love, and may mention what I'm doing at work to make this the best possible place to work. I see no way to change any of that and continue to be true and honest to myself."

"I had most of a decade of being false and dishonest, to myself and to those around me, and that is no longer tolerable, even if it occasionally offends someone."

"I will not deny my family."

I sent it off, not sure what to expect. Things could go pretty much anywhere from here. I was pleasantly surprised by his response.

"You continue to impress me as very much like the person I thought," he said. "You have made some very good points, some of which, I confess, I had not even considered (i.e. wedding ring, photo, etc)."

"I'm actually glad this came up: I feel that I now have someone with whom I can discuss issues about which I am totally unaware."

"Love and caring must first be preceded by understanding, and I must lean on you to educate me so that I may walk the line of differing viewpoints as appropriately and humanely as possible."

And that's where it stayed. Both of us with our own viewpoint, him with some things to think about. I didn't change my behavior, he didn't bring it up again. A truce of sorts.

He left the company not long after. I wish I'd had the initiative to talk to him personally about these issues before he left. I hope he'll find someone to lean on at his new employer, so he can keep walking that line.